Fresheritis

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 1, 2010.

Hello, Freshers! Welcome! We love you really. You're the future of this university, after all. Oh God. That one's a Goth. And that one looks like a right slapper. And that one's already going to Cindies instead of lectures. And that one!... Noisy slackers! Pompous brats! Back in my day...! (etc)

The Great University Lie

The trick is to convince all the kids around you that university is really really hard and you do lots of homework and read books that are bigger than them and never ever watch TV. Also when you go to university you can't bring your Playmobil! It's University Rule Number One: NO PLAYMOBIL ON CAMPUS.

Then let the little brats cry themselves to sleep and get Peter Pan complexes.

Prime Concerns

First published in TCS Easter Issue 1, 2010

Politicians just don't address important issues. Once I emailed the Cambridge MP to complain about the daily amount of junk mail we get and he replied 'I know, it's annoying innit.' So now I have to sit by the window and throw stones at the Domino Pizza guy when he walks up to the house to try and rape my mailbox.