Fresheritis

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 1, 2010.

Hello, Freshers! Welcome! We love you really. You're the future of this university, after all. Oh God. That one's a Goth. And that one looks like a right slapper. And that one's already going to Cindies instead of lectures. And that one!... Noisy slackers! Pompous brats! Back in my day...! (etc)

The Great University Lie

The trick is to convince all the kids around you that university is really really hard and you do lots of homework and read books that are bigger than them and never ever watch TV. Also when you go to university you can't bring your Playmobil! It's University Rule Number One: NO PLAYMOBIL ON CAMPUS.

Then let the little brats cry themselves to sleep and get Peter Pan complexes.

Prime Concerns

First published in TCS Easter Issue 1, 2010

Politicians just don't address important issues. Once I emailed the Cambridge MP to complain about the daily amount of junk mail we get and he replied 'I know, it's annoying innit.' So now I have to sit by the window and throw stones at the Domino Pizza guy when he walks up to the house to try and rape my mailbox.

Wet Blue Dreams

First published in TCS Lent Issue 8, 2010

Of course Tim would get wet dreams about Avatar. It's so seriously sexy.

[Cut scene from Avatar]

Neytiri - We don't do sex on Pandora, oh no. Sex is so uncool and so not 3D. No, we do hair. Hair is the new sex. And we're so open about it we do hair with everything we can find - trees, banshees, horses, people, chairs, lamps, shoes, everything. Let's do hair together and it'll seal our relationship.

Jake - But I've just done hair with my ikran, like, just now.

Neytiri - That's ok. Like I said, we're totally open to multiple hair relationships.

Jake - Wait, have you got a hairdom? Cause I don't want to catch a hairly transmitted disease.

Academia, Inc.

First published in TCS Lent Issue 7, 2010.

So poor Jenny didn't get a job with Accentuloitte-Coopers in the end and will be doing an MPhil this year which will make her even less employable by Accentuloitte-Coopers next year so she'll have to stay on to do a PhD and that will make her so unfashionably unemployable that she'll become an academic.

EPIC WIN!

The Oxbridge Game

First published in TCS Lent Issue 6, 2010

The Cambridge Game, Continued:

Dear Potential Employer,

I am convinced I would be a precious asset to your shamefully money-making thriving, world-renowned business. In addition to my two months of organised slavery in a bookshop extensive work experience in the marketing, sales and communication sections of a worldwide chain, I have gained at Cambridge the ability to bullshit my way through anything understand, argue and assess various points of view. I will be an attentive, passionate and arrogant motivated employee, and I am very eager to earn a six-figure salary bring my knowledge and experience to your company.

Respectfully yours,

S. Lacker, BA (Hons) (Cantab)

An Enlightening Date

First published in TCS Lent Issue 5, 2010

Jenny and Kant decided that evening that people who bribe the RAG Blind Date organisers to get handsome clever triple Full Blue dates don't realise that should their actions be taken as a universal law of rational beings the whole system would just collapse and selfishness and frustration would be the rule. Also the ugly ones get put together and then think of what may happen.

Prime Minister. Poke back.

First published in TCS Lent Issue 4, 2010

What do YOU put on Facebook? How can you be sure it won't be used against you when you become famous some day when you're all grown-up? Your friends will become your enemies. Your computer will be hacked into. Your photos will be stolen. Your life will become HELL.

Oh wait, that's just what 'being famous' means. With or without facebook.

Sensitive Spots

First published in TCS Lent Issue 3, 2010

That was about Belgium and France attempting to ban the burqa and the British media being all like 'Omg that's so offensive! Offensive offensive disrespectful! Offensiveness to the power of 200! Shock breaking news offense from Belgium & France even worse than usual! [...] Could we possibly do it here in Britain do you think?'.

The Freshest of all Freshers

First published in TCS Lent Issue 2, 2010

15-year-old student admitted at Cambridge! WOW scandal! How's he going to cope with all the sex and booze and heavy drugs? And his supervisors are going to need a CRB check!

We get that story pretty much every year. But then all freshers are tiny and look confused anyway so you don't know which one's 15 and which one's done 3 gap years already.