Tricky Treat

'I drink to forget I picked up a slag in a Halloween Bop'

Happy Halloween everyone! be generous with the little brats tonight.

The Spookiest Halloween of Their Lives

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 5, 2010

Even worse than finding a razor blade in an apple, as happens all the time in the US according to urban legends.

Maltesers and Prejudice

According to Jenny, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a Tim who's been coerced into watching six hours of romantic BBC drama must be in want of Maltesers.

You just have to share Maltesers. They're so sharable it's like there's some kind of moral obligation to share them. Like, you're on the train and you think 'Should I open my bag of Maltesers now? Should I? If I do, I'm going to feel morally obliged to ask EVERYONE around if they want one! and then I'll end up with none! And if I don't ask everyone around, they'll all think I'm really rude! Oh no oh no oh no! I should have bought a Mars bar instead!'

This is the kind of dilemma that just kills me.

iPad and Punishment

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 4, 2010

'I know! I know! Pick me!'

'You don't know, Chris. You just googled it. It's not the same thing.'

'But look! look! I can tell you where the nearest toilet is!'

'GOOD. Now go and drown yourself in it.'

The Clarkson Drive

Seriously, what is it with Clarkson? The Brits are unanimously crazy about the man. 'Clarkson for PM! Clarkson for PM!' WTF?! Just because he can be vaguely witty about the Nissan Qashqai doesn't mean he can rule your country, for chrissakes.

Getting inspired

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 3, 2010

'Maybe Tim's research is on the historical evolution of porn through the ages?' I hear you ask. No it's not. Not that he didn't try to write on the topic, of course, but every single aspect of it had already been covered by generations and generations of male MPhil students.

Different Muses

Dave was asked by Cambridge University Press to edit The Cambridge Companion to The Cambridge Companion to Kant because 99,99% readers don't understand The Cambridge Companion to Kant, let alone Kant. The next step is The Cambridge Companion to The Cambridge Companion to Kant for Dummies.

Note: I haven't read either Kant or The Cambridge Companion to Kant. Just in case you thought I actually knew anything about what Jenny's talking about. I have literally no idea. Personally, I'd rather listen to Plug In Baby.

You're my personal brand of heroine

First published in TCS Michaelmas Issue 2, 2010

'What theme can we find this time that will get the girls even more naked than last time?'

'Hmm... "James Bond"? "Uniforms"?'

'No no no. We have to be more subtle than that or the Women's Officer will say no.'

'Oh yeah forgot about her. Damn them hairy feminists!'

2 kool 4 skool

In comic art, this is called breaking the fourth wall. It used to be cool and edgy, now it's become fairly tacky. Still, you gotta love it.

Unfortunately for Tim, the Cambridge University Secret Elite Police Armed Force will find you literally anywhere in the world and drag you back to your desk and make you work on your essays. Even if you're hiding in a secret fourth dimension of Flatland.